HOW TO MAKE A SANDWICH

It's true: We live in a culture that likes to point out the obvious. So I guess these detailed instructions sent in by Sarah on how to make something really complicated a sandwich shouldn't surprise me.



Except this does pretty much sound like the worst sandwich ever. The "such as" doesn't keep me from jumbling all the ingredients together in my brain. Now I just want a big glass of Tang to wash the idea of this craptastic (+25? What does that even mean?) sandwich away.

FORGET MASSAGES ...

... and try the RELAXSHAN BIKE instead!

Creepy hands steer from underneath an umbrella! A full stove teeters precariously on the back! Flames leap out from nowhere!

To schedule your next ride on the Relaxshan Bike, please visit www.driveanrvitseasier.com.

APPARENTLY I WENT TO SCHOOL AT CHERNOBYL

That would explain a lot, actually.



Does favort rhyme with cavort?

HA, HA!

Fooled you! Fooled you into thinking I was good! Nah nah. Joke's on ... oh.

SOPHIE B. HAWKINS AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON ME

A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Its loveliness increases, it will nev--I WANT A DOG!

I want a dog now!

I waaaaaaan a daaaaaaawg!!!!

Shall I say it in Olde Englishe? Methinks perhaps I shall request a canine ...



Hey kids, swearing at the end of a poem is a really great way to get your point across. I'm just saying.

This is also some seriously copyrighted text so don't even THINK about stealing it. You see that C in a circle? That means I'll C you in jail, buster, if you try and steal my amazing poem.

SMASHING PUMPKINS 2.0

Because I know you couldn't get enough of the original PUMPKIN SMASHERS AT MIDNIGHT, I am pleased to announce this book has been updated. Not edited. Just updated.




Let's go trick or treating dressed up like adjectives! Or maybe adverbs! Or superfluous verbs! Because there sure are a lot of them in this overwritten Frankenstein of a short story.



In the end, it was the sophomores! Why, if it wasn't fer you meddling sophomores, I'd have gotten awa...nevermind.



Oh, and look! Art. Two of these things are labeled, thank goodness, otherwise I might have tried to shave with eggs. But the third thing? I don't know what it is. BECAUSE IT'S NOT LABELED. Yes, I'm yelling.

HEY MR. PREZ, I KNOW, LET'S EAT CHOCOLATE AND TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS

Let's forget for a moment that I'm opining on the leader of the free world while dotting my i's with circles.

This five-page missive is aptly titled "Charicteristics of the President" (subtitle: Anyone Who Thinks They're Qualified to Write Something Like This Should Know How to Spell Characteristics).



So here's the thing Obama or Reagan or Geraldine Ferraro or whoever was in office when I wrote this should know: Forget leadership, forget experience, forget intelligence. The first thing the president should be is ... oh look, Lifetime's on!



As it turns out, cliches are really useful charicteristics as well. Like, may hay while the sunshines, Mr. Prez. Or, birds of a feather flock together. Or, I know...



Well hey, you want honesty? How's this for honesty: I probably wrote this while eating my boogers.